Privacy Policy

Welcome to Dead Pan Merch (“we,” “our,” or “us”). We sell shirts that say what you’re thinking. We also collect some information about you, and unlike most companies, we’re going to tell you exactly what and why.

This policy covers what we collect, what we do with it, and what we don’t do with it when you visit deadpanmerch.com or use our services. By using the site, you’re agreeing to it. Read it. It’s shorter than the ones you usually scroll past.

What We Collect

Stuff you hand us. Your name, email, shipping address, phone number, and payment info — when you buy something or sign up for our emails. We can’t ship a shirt to “vibes,” so we need the address.

Stuff your browser hands us. IP address, browser type, operating system, and how you move around the site. This happens automatically. Your browser is chatty.

Cookies. We use cookies and similar tracking tech to keep the site working and make it less annoying. You can shut them off in your browser settings. Some things will break. That’s the trade.

What We Do With It

1. Process your order and get it to you.
2. Talk to you — order updates, shipping notices, answers when you email us.
3. Send promotional emails about new products and sales. Every one has an unsubscribe link. Use it whenever you want; no hard feelings, no retention gauntlet.

Who We Share It With

We will never sell your information. Not to advertisers, not to data brokers, not to anyone. It’s not a revenue stream we’re interested in.

We share it in exactly three situations:

1. Payment processors — so your card actually works.
2. Shipping carriers — so the box shows up at your door and not a stranger’s.
3. When the law requires it, or when we need to protect our rights, safety, or property.

That’s the whole list.

Security

We take reasonable measures to protect your information from unauthorized access, disclosure, alteration, or destruction. We’re also not going to pretend we’ve solved a problem nobody has solved: no method of transmitting or storing data online is completely secure. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.

Your Rights

You have the right to:

1. Access, correct, or delete your personal information.
2. Tell us to stop using your data for marketing.
3. Request a copy of your data to take elsewhere (data portability).

Email us and we’ll take care of it. You don’t need to explain yourself.

Changes

We may update this policy. When we do, the new version goes up here with the date it changed. No fine-print ambush.

Contact

Questions about any of this? Email contact@deadpanmerch.com and a human will answer.

Last updated: 09/19/26